That's what watching the GOP debates feels like sometimes. I see Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul in the house, and there's Jon Huntsman on the end, like the nosy neighbor who's going to walk in at precisely the wrong moment. There's Rick Santorum on the other end, as the guy who gets killed in the prologue. Meanwhile the spectres of campaigns past haunt the stage. Perry rattles his chains, Cain whispers "The house is ours" and Bachmann crawls through the TV to settle a grudge. Someone needs to exorcise those three so they can go to their final resting place, with Santorum right behind them. Huntsman, I imagine, is waiting for the Iowa fallout to see if it bumps him in New Hampshire. I understand his strategy. The other four, though... It's sad.
But onward we must proceed, with still eight total talking heads on the stage. Here are your contestants:
MITT ROMNEY - "The Establishment Front-Runner". Hey, he doesn't change his positions as often as the GOP changes their front-runner.
NEWT GINGRICH - "The Flavor of the Week". I hereby pledge to advise all of Gingrich's companies for half of what he charged. (You're getting a sweet deal here.)
RON PAUL - "The Libertublican". I don't know if he really wants to be President; he just wants to make sure whoever is audits the Fed.
JON HUNTSMAN - "New Hampshire's Maitre'D" - If I mention I have a relative at Dartmouth, can I get a free backrub?
HERMAN CAIN - "9-9-9". The answer to the Jeopardy question "How many sexual harrassments lawsuits have been filed against him, against him, against him?"
RICK PERRY - "The Texas Christian" - I am not drunk.
MICHELLE BACHMANN - "The One Woman" - We'll always have Ames.
RICK SANTORUM - "The Social Conservative" - Put the gay toothpaste back in the Muslim tube!
6:02 - After an opening sequence that makes it look like we've assembled eight cyborgs to lead our country, Wolf Blitzer ("yes, that's my real name") gets to it with his own intros. Once again, I wish Vince McMahon were in charge of the intros. We need theme music and pyrotechnics. It would be no sillier than the opening sequences these cable producers package.
6:05 - No, wait. A guy from The Jersey Boys sings our national anthem. NOW we can begin.
6:07 - Oh wait. Wolf has to explain the debate rules. Speed it up, Wolf; we've got eight people up there.
6:09 - Holy crap, now the candidates are going to introduce themselves. Santorum dings Obama, Paul dings "unnecessary wars," Perry points out he's in a happy marriage, Romney starts off by joking that Mitt is his first name (*crickets*), Cain says Obama's "downgraded" our natl security, Gingrich plugs his work with Heritage, Bachmann says she wants to get troops home as soon as we can, and Huntsman does indeed mention New Hampshire.
6:13 - Wolf: "Let's get right to the questions!" Are you freakin' kidding me?
6:14 - First question is about keeping the Patriot Act. Newt wants to keep it, as we'll all be in the danger "for the rest of our lives." Paul disagrees, correctly, and gives a great plea against turning the US into a police state.
6:17 - Bachmann says we've handed over interrogation to the ACLU, says it was a bad thing we gave Miranda rights to the underwear bomber. Huntsman points out the brand of the United States means something overseas, wants to find the balancing act between liberty and security.
6:20 - Romney gets a TSA question but glosses over it so he can get into the war vs. crime debate.
6:21 - Perry wants to privatize the TSA and keep the Patriot Act. Most of them are competing to see who can make sure our future is Minority Report.
6:23 - Santorum has two modes: complaining he doesn't get enough questions, and whatever is suggested, he claims he voted for it first. He's pro-profiling, especially Muslims. Paul shakes his head, says we're not "at war." There's a war on terrorism but not against a people and stresses individual rights again.
6:25 - Cain seems to be cool with Santorum's approach to profiling. Cain wants to "refine" the Patriot Act but not throw it out because the terrorists still want to kill us. Paul can't believe some of these people are allowed on stage.
6:27 - Huntsman gets the Pakistan question. He plugs Congressional term limits slyly then says Pakistan should keep us up at night. "It's a haven for bad behavior." Bachmann calls Pakistan the "epicenter" of terrorist training, and I am reminded once again that she's on the Intelligence committee and will sound smart on foreign matters. She probably regrets the earlier debates weren't more focussed on foreign policy. And she coins the phrase: "Too nuclear to fail."
6:31 - Perry disgrees with Bachmann, and a couple seals in the back clap. Bachmann comes back "with all due respect" that's "highly naive." Oh snap! I've never liked her more.
6:33 - Perry tries to fall back on his briefings about Afghanistan and India, but Bachmann won't let him off the hook with his "blank check" remark.
6:35 - Romney called Pakistan the sixth largest country in the world. Factcheck! *clap-clap!* That's a True. Wow, had no idea.
6:36 - Romney wants to bring modernity to Pakistan but wants to be careful about withdrawals. Huntsman completely disagrees and begs for an honest discussion, rattles off our successes. Romney counters by dropping "we don't want to cut and run" and wants to listen to the generals on the ground. Huntsman points out LBJ listened to the generals on the ground in 1967 too. Romney gets in a confident rebuttal.
6:40 - Newt's grouchy he hasn't had a chance to respond, but isn't really sure what we're debating. He points out how killing bin Laden brought US-Pakistan relations to a new low. "Well, they should have." (applause)
6:41 - Santorum says he agrees with Ron Paul. We are not fighting a war against terrorism, terrorism is a tactic. (Waiting for the other shoe to drop...) We are fighting a war against radical Islam. (Ah...)
Commercial!
6:47 - Awkward minute where they try to get a question from the audience. If Israel attacked Iran to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons, would you help the attack or otherwise support?
6:48 - Uh, oh. Cain goes first. He would first make sure they have a plan for success. Remember it's a very mountainous region. (Oh geez...) Cain's foreign policy plan: Asking "Are you sure?" If they say yes, "Attack!"
6:49 - Paul wouldn't help but he doesn't expect it to happen, as the Mossad leader said it would be the stupidest thing in the world for them to do. But if it did happen, "why does Israel need our help?"
6:51 - Cain comes back to Afghanistan, but Wolf mercifully cuts him off for a different question.
6:52 - Perry's asked about sanctions on Iran. He wants to sanction their Central Bank and kill their economy. He wants to bring in Syria too, and uh.. "at that moment, they'll understand America is serious."
6:53 - Newt says we need a surplus of energy here. We need a strategy here and here and over there. Frankly, more strategic, less tactical. He also used about ten -ly words in his answer. Bachmann gets in a shot at Obama cancelling the keystone pipeline before going back to Iran, saying they plan to use nuclear weapons against Israel and the United States. She pretty much says if World War III happens, it's Obama's fault.
6:57 - Paul Wolfowitz asks about all the good foreign aid the US has done (Fighting AIDS and malaria in Africa, for example.) Can we still afford to do that? Santorum says he supported the bill for fighting AIDS in Africa and how it helps combat terrorism by us giving aid, taking a veiled swipe at Perry for wanting to start every country at zero.
6:58 - Cain says it depends. He wants to see the results. Paul calls the aid worthless, says we're giving money to wealthy people in poor countries. Our budget's in trouble! "The biggest threat to our national security is our financial condition." Romney rails against cutting military spending and saying we should cut ObamaCare. Paul says we're not cutting anything; it's just talk. Romney flinches, then rattles off the planned military cuts and says Obama has failed to lead with strength.
7:00 - Newt drops the Reagan name, then Apple, then gets in a "profoundly" before reminding the audience how awesome WWII was. Then gets in a Lean Six Sigma plug and says "there are lots of things we can do." I'd wager most of the people in the room thought he gave an actual answer.
7:02 - Huntsman's asked where he stands on defense cuts. Says we have a financial deficit but we also have a "trust" deficit. We can't have an intellectually honest discussion about debt and spending with sacred cows. Everything needs to be on the table, then gives specifics of his strategy.
7:08 - Perry gets a softball on the supercommittee, but still sounds like he's stalling. Pronounces it "LegislaTors." Think half a trillion is five hundred million. Calls for Panetta to resign in protest "if he is an honorable man."
7:10 - Santorum gets the question on Reagan's compromise rule (I'd rather get 80% of what I want than nothing), and Santorum says "It depends."
7:12 - Question on entitlement reform. Newt talks about his Social Security plan based on the Chilean and Galveston models, which I am pretty sure Cain was the first one to propose in a previous debate. Bachmann says it's time to draw a line in the sand when it comes to raising the debt limit, says we've gone from $8 to $15 trillion in debt in four years. Says we need to balance the budget, then chip away at the debt.
Commercials!
7:19 - We get footage of protests in Egypt.
More commercials!
7:22 - Question on the southern border. Do you consider that to be a national interest threat? Perry says we need a 21st-century Monroe Doctrine, that Hamas and Hezbollah are operating in Mexico, slams Hugo Chavez, calls border security paramount to the entire Western Hemisphere. Says we can work with Mexico to sanction their banks. (Perry's a bank-sanctioning machine!)
7:25 - Paul says we need to cancel the drug war; it's to nobody's benefit. Says we should be more concerned with the border between the US and Mexico rather than the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan. Says we should handle illegal drugs the same way we handle alcohol and prescription drugs.
7:26 - Cain says we know terrorists have entered this country via the Mexican border. Says let's secure the border for real. Numbers off what he'd do, a Romney tactic. Santorum praises high-skill immigration, talks about trickle-down economics. Split-screen with Perry, who looks like he wants to meet Santorum in a dark alley.
7:28 - Newt uses Einstein as an example of the importance of immigration. He uses very big words to describe a humane way of dealing with illegal immigrants. Bachmann sledgehammers him with "Amnesty!" She says Steve Jobs said he had to move 30,000 jobs to China because he couldn't find the engineers here. (Which I call bullcrap on, seems like engineers are getting laid off all the time around here; US jobs are going to China becuz it's cheaper there.) Newt counters with being humane, not breaking up families. Bachmann essentially says "Nah, round em up and ship em out."
7:33 - Romney says amnesty is a magnet but wants to make legal immigration easier. Says he'd staple a green card to any immigrant who gets a Masters degree or PhD.
7:36 - Newt doubles-down on "separating families" but is pro-deportation for those illegals who haven't been here that long. Says the party shouldn't adopt a policy that breaks up families. Perry reluctantly sides with Mitt over Newt with a "here we go again." (See what he did there?) Says we have to secure the border first "once and for all." Mitt says it's a mistake to focus a Republican debate on amnesty.
Commercials!
7:43 - Question on Syria from Dick Cheney former Chief of Staff David Addington. Wolf says Perry suggested a no-fly zone over Syria; would you support that? "No." Then he says he'd work with our allies to stop buying oil from Syria, brings it back to the economy. (Is he actually going to go through a whole debate without saying "9-9-9"?) Perry weighs in, says it'd help the military in Syria disband, likens it to Iran.
7:45 - Huntsman gets a question on Arab Spring, says we missed the "Persian Spring." Says we need to remind the world what it means to be a friend and ally to the US. Says sanctions won't work becuz the Chinese and Russians won't play ball. Gives a great answer about the region.
7:49 - Somalia question, compares it to al-Qaeda. Paul says if we want to inspire al-Qaeda, let's just meddle in the region, calls a no-fly zone over Syria an act of war. How would we feel if China put a no-fly zone over one of our territories? Why don't we mind our own business?
7:51 - Romney realizes it's late in the debate, so he goes off on Obama, rattling off several contrasts between the two, then brushes aside Perry's no-fly suggestion. Perry back-peddles, says "no-fly" is an option to leave on the table.
7:54 - Last question is a good one. What natl security threat are you worried about that no one's talking about? Santorum talks about being scared of socialists through central and south America. "We took the side of Oogo Chavez." Paul says he worries most about overreaction on our part. Perry's worried about China, they have no values, they have 35,000 abortions a day. Romney says Perry's right on China in the long run but short-run Santorum's right on South America, says to Paul we have been attacked. Cain's worried about cyberattacks. Newt is worried about a weapon of mass destruction, an electro-magnetic pulse attack, and then cyberattacks. Bachmann agrees with everyone, but says Obama is giving away the peace we won in Iraq. Huntsman says he's worried about here at home, joblessness, lack of opportunity, debt, our trust deficit.
So how's they do?
1. RON PAUL - I don't think the beltway media can ignore him anymore. Paul made a clear distinction between himself and everyone else, and he's like the guy with nothing to lose. And he's always been that way. Paul made it clear he values liberty over safety, minding our own business over intervention, legallizing drugs, and drastically cutting the federal budget. If you support that, he's your guy. If you don't, well, you know he means it. I'd wager this will him a solid third-place in the polls in the next couple days.
2. JON HUNTSMAN - He needed a strong performance and he delivered. He came across as the perfect bridge between Paul and the rest of the crew. He also landed some hits on Romney, a rare occurance. He shredded Perry's bullet-point of sanctions and was pro-America in talking about all the things we've done right. His arguments seemed the most "general election" friendly than anyone else's.
3. NEWT GINGRICH - You know, when other candidates have ascended to "presumed front-runner" status, the other candidates have attacked them. Rick Perry bore the brunt, Mitt Romney slapped them back, Herman Cain felt the stings, but Newt... no one really seemed interested in going after him except Ron Paul. Tonight was the night to yank the chair out from under Newt, and no one did it. I know a lot of Republicans who are against the Patriot Act, but Newt was virtually arguing for fascism, and half of the candidates nodded and said, "Yeah, that's great." I was paying attention to his answers more than anyone else's, and I found half of his answers were frankly profoundly fundamentally completely... woops, out of time. Then when we got to immigration, he found himself to the left of most of the candidates, arguing for humanity in how we enforce our laws.
Debates are as much about presentation as content, those YouTube clips mean more than the transcripts. And Newt "performed" very well. He did nothing to knock himself off the "front-runner" pedestal, at least not in Iowa. His "Uncle Newt" persona is working. I wonder how much longer Republicans are going to let him stay atop the polls. They sure they don't want to kick the tires on Paul or Huntsman again for their Not-Romney model?
4. MITT ROMNEY - This actually felt like a missed opportunity for him. He still debated like he owned the place, but he tried a little too hard to make Obama sound like a complete failure on foreign policy when Obama's really weakest on domestic. I thought he needed to poke the pin in the Newt balloon, but I think he was waiting for someone else to do it.
5. MICHELLE BACHMANN - Pwned Rick Perry on the Middle East. I recall she's the one who took him down on the HPV vaccine. Says we need to balance the budget but still isn't clear on what she'd actually beyond not raise the debt ceiling and not raise taxes, and she's in the Pro-Police State camp.
6. RICK SANTORUM - Wants to profile Muslims who fly, fumbled the compromise question. Otherwise he was his usual self.
7. HERMAN CAIN - He had the same answer for every question. He would gather some experts together and then look at the information and then make a decision. Maybe fighting AIDS in Africa is a good thing, maybe it's not.
8. RICK PERRY - He was lost. Any answer he gave, someone else could counter with "Actually, that's not how it works." You could see the little wheels in his head fighting to remember the answers from his 3x5 cards. I'm amazed Texas has let him win two re-elections.
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